A few hours ago I could have thought of a slew of words that are not even remotely close to any expression of thankfulness or happiness...the endless list included several very strong expletives in several different languages, none of those worthy of repeating here lest anyone speaking any of those languages might come across them and report me to the authorities. You know, the "bad language police", the one that would make me say "I am happy" 4,532 times, until I would be so sick of saying "I am happy" I would start grumbling and cursing once more and the whole thing would start all over again.
I was in a groove, but it was not a good one. I was feeling terribly sorry for myself and my miserable little life devoid of any pleasures, a full night sleep that was not induced by alcohol, or anything that remotely resembled the slightest hint of contentment. I had no intention whatsoever of crawling out of the pit of self-pity I was wallowing in.
What had started all this you might wonder? Even if you didn't wonder, I will tell you anyway. It's MY blog and I feel like writing it. If you don't want to "hear" it, stop reading. So there!
Anyway, my having to leave my baby at home and having to go back to work is what started all this. While Jim was away I got to spend four delightful, unfairly short days with my babies, of which two were alone with my littlest baby, while my older"baby" was at school. I am absolutely convinced that my days with them had been reduced to a mere 5 hours, instead of the usual 24 and I feel shorted much precious time with my babies. On top of that my dear husband had me driving around town to take care of the van situation (it needed to be dropped off to be repaired), which meant even less time to play...
Soooo, when Jim came back on Tuesday night I was thoroughly frustrated and mad with the world and Jim, back from his relaxing trip to beautiful South Florida, was conveniently there for me to unleash my fury onto. After all, I had to go back to work the next day!
To make matters a little more complicated, we had had a big scare on Thursday, when Jim took Alexander to the pediatrician who, to make a long story short, thought he had diabetes. So on Friday morning, while Jim left for the airport, I took Zander to a pediatric endocrinologist. After spending over 3 hours there, with a futile attempt at the very end of our visit to draw blood, we left with the good news that it was probably not diabetes. However, to be on the safe side I had to prick Zander's finger 4 times a day and write down the result of the blood sugar test, then call back on Tuesday with the results. I spoke with the doctor on Tuesday who, after going over the results, told me it was definitely not diabetes. Thank you, God!
The scare of Alexander possibly having diabetes put some intense stress on us on Thursday, though, with the result that Jim and I ended up fighting before he went to his DADS meeting. He had left the house a huge mess, which, OCD as I am, just had to be cleaned up on the spot in order for me to think straight. Also, kids had to be fed and bathed, lunch prepared for the next day, trash taken out, and I was completely exhausted by the time Jim came back from his meeting. Since he is a last-minute person with as little planning as possible, he did not have his bags packed yet for his trip. He proceeded to do that at 10:15pm, at which point I am usually in bed already. Add that to the thoroughly relaxing evening I had already had (grrrrrr) and voila! Miss Ticked Off Big Time (can't use any curse words...sigh), that would be me, went to bed mad. You know what happens when you do that, right? You don't sleep well! You have all these weird dreams that keep repeating themselves over and over, and you wake up from the slightest little noise about 37 times. Oh, and you suddenly wake up at 3:15am, having to go to the bathroom really bad and then can't get back to sleep until 15 minutes before the alarm is set to go off. That's how my weekend started and, as we all know, when you think you will be able to get a good night's sleep it ain't gonna happen...
Anyway, my days with my babies were wonderful and the closer Tuesday evening came, the more upset I got again.
It would be the end of my playtime.
Back to work, girl!
On top of taking care of the kids in the evening, including cooking dinner, bathing, brushing teeth, reading books, checking home work, cleaning up after kids and husband, laundry, making the grocery list and shopping, preparing lunch, taking care of the cat, getting gas (in the car that we both drive), fixing things around the house, paying bills, fixing lunch (for school and work) and breakfast, participating in whatever is going on at KK's school - book club, seasonal parties, special days, etc - keeping up with appointments (and reminding my husband of those)...wow, I guess I really do all that...on top of all that I also have to go to work and concentrate on things other than my family for 9 hours and battle rush hour twice a day as well. How many hours are in a day again? Can I request that number to be upped to, say, 45 hours? I would not mind including some time to actually play with my kids and have some time to spend with my husband. While I am at it, why not throw in some time for myself as well? Maybe learn how to nap while driving? Nah, I guess that would be pushing it!
I believe I sufficiently explained why I was in such a foul mood. Now, I was at work, doing some magnificent wallowing while working on the computer, when I saw it: the page from Rachel's blog that I had copied into a Word document. All I saw was the title, and I remembered what a great entry that was - and what wonderful responses! If you haven't read it yet, please go to Rachel's blog and find "My life is..." It is worth it!
Yes, my life is hard and it stinks sometimes, but more often than not it is simply...I cannot even begin to describe all the positive things about my life, they are too numerous!
So, I decided to "put my big girl panties on", thought about all the things I am grateful for, all the things that are NOT hard, and put a smile on my face.
And it is still there:)
